Ten Signs
Reading the tell tale signs of commitment phobia in women was no epiphany for me. I have almost all of them and generally suspected that I have a great fear of getting into a bad situation - once bitten, twice shy and all that. Of the ten on the list, I identify most strongly with 4,5,8 and to some extent with 3.
1. You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.2. You go from one short-lived relationship to the next.3. You have a habit of dating “unavailable” men.4. You consider your married friends’ lives boring and think they settled for less.5. You stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little hope of commitment.6. You back out of plans at the last minute and have trouble setting a time for dates.7. You cultivate large networks of friends at the expense of a single romantic relationship.8. You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past.9. Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships.10.You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.
Several of my girlfriends who are single moms in their 30s, do not really intend to remarry or even want to be in a long term committed relationship. Interestingly enough these seem to be goals they appear to be pursuing with some zeal or so they tell themselves. After much talk about commitment, engagement and the like, there is almost always a compelling reason not to take the final plunge.
Their twelve year old would get all confused with two dads competing for turf and attention, they are not emotionally ready to start a new family complete with another child plus thirty seven is too late for motherhood anyways. They can’t deal with another bunch of in-laws. His ex is shrew and he’s not fully over her yet. Finally status quo is safer more certain territory - why fix something that is not broke ?
It is common for these women to be surrounded by a bunch of likeminded girlfriends. They hang out with the gang making it difficult for the interested man to break into the clique, test the waters of the dating market tentatively at best, fully prepared to withdraw if it gets too complicated. Marriage no longer has any special significance to them mainly because their desire for motherhood is fulfilled.
It would seem like a man is useful only for purposes of procreation and quite disposable thereafter. This is not to minimize the pain that these women have been through in their marriage and relationships but it does seem that attaining motherhood acts as the deal breaker for a relationship already on the rocks.
Having achieved a new lease of life and a second shot at being single (and this time in no rush to marry) they no longer find it conceivable to settle for less, to cut corners or compromise in marriage. The dread biological clock factor no longer forces precipitate decisions. It also helps that men are so abundantly and readily available for short term flings.
The attitudes I speak of are more commonly seen in the west though the women in question can very well be from the east. I am sure as divorces become more common back home, women there will feel a lot like their sisters in the west. In a society that accepts their marital status (or the lack of it) so effortlessly, they are able to discover the distinct advantages of their circumstances and make the most of it. The combination of motherhood, unbridled freedom and not needing to adjust and compromise at every turn outweighs the value of the “married” tag for women who have had to pay a high price to come out of one.
By Heartcrossings-http://www.heartcrossings.blogspot.com/
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Indian premier calls for end to killing of unborn girls” which I guess is better than nothing…
“Indian premier calls for end to killing of unborn girls” which I guess is better than nothing…
According to this article:
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh called on parents in India to stop seeing girls as an economic liability and to end the practice of killing unborn female foetuses. Singh’s appeal on India’s 59th Independence Day came four days after the grisly discovery of 25 female foetuses from a private clinic in northern Punjab state, which has the country’s lowest sex ratio due to rampant female foeticide.
“We must end the crime of female foeticide. We must eliminate gender disparity,” Singh said in an address to the nation.
“We have a dream of an India in which every woman can feel safe, secure and empowered. Where our mothers, sisters and daughters are assured a life of dignity and personal security,” he added.
A study by British medical journal The Lancet said this year that India may have lost 10 million unborn girls in the past 20 years, but Indian experts say the figure is not more than five million. Under Indian law, tests to find out the gender of an unborn baby are illegal if not done for medical reasons, but the practice continues in what activists say is a flourishing multi-million dollar business.
Premier Singh urged parents not to neglect their girl children.
“It should be ensured that every young woman is educated and skilled and capable of guiding a new generation,” he said.
Punjab state has 798 girls for every 1,000 boys under the age of six while the national average is 927 — still well below the worldwide average of 1,050 female babies. Girls in India are often considered a liability as parents have to put away large sums of money for dowries at the time of their marriage. Centuries of tradition also demand that couples produce at least one male child to carry on the family name. Many grooms demand dowry well beyond the means of families of their spouse — demands which often result in the killing of newly-married women.
According to the National Crime Records Bureau, India in 2004 posted 19 dowry-related deaths every day but women’s organisations say the actual figure is 10 times higher.
I was too depressed by this article even to post it when I saw it a few days ago. Simply “callling on parents” to “stop seeing girls as an economic liability” isn’t likely to accomplish much of anything. The country needs to start providing girls with educational and employment opportunities that enable them to be self supporting and independent, so that marrriage is a choice, not a necessity. If girls could earn their own livings, in basic economic parity with men, parents would not see them as “expensive,” suitors would have a much harder time demanding doweries, and the killings would diminish. This is what the Prime Minister needs to be calling for, and working towards.
–Ann Bartow
According to this article:
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh called on parents in India to stop seeing girls as an economic liability and to end the practice of killing unborn female foetuses. Singh’s appeal on India’s 59th Independence Day came four days after the grisly discovery of 25 female foetuses from a private clinic in northern Punjab state, which has the country’s lowest sex ratio due to rampant female foeticide.
“We must end the crime of female foeticide. We must eliminate gender disparity,” Singh said in an address to the nation.
“We have a dream of an India in which every woman can feel safe, secure and empowered. Where our mothers, sisters and daughters are assured a life of dignity and personal security,” he added.
A study by British medical journal The Lancet said this year that India may have lost 10 million unborn girls in the past 20 years, but Indian experts say the figure is not more than five million. Under Indian law, tests to find out the gender of an unborn baby are illegal if not done for medical reasons, but the practice continues in what activists say is a flourishing multi-million dollar business.
Premier Singh urged parents not to neglect their girl children.
“It should be ensured that every young woman is educated and skilled and capable of guiding a new generation,” he said.
Punjab state has 798 girls for every 1,000 boys under the age of six while the national average is 927 — still well below the worldwide average of 1,050 female babies. Girls in India are often considered a liability as parents have to put away large sums of money for dowries at the time of their marriage. Centuries of tradition also demand that couples produce at least one male child to carry on the family name. Many grooms demand dowry well beyond the means of families of their spouse — demands which often result in the killing of newly-married women.
According to the National Crime Records Bureau, India in 2004 posted 19 dowry-related deaths every day but women’s organisations say the actual figure is 10 times higher.
I was too depressed by this article even to post it when I saw it a few days ago. Simply “callling on parents” to “stop seeing girls as an economic liability” isn’t likely to accomplish much of anything. The country needs to start providing girls with educational and employment opportunities that enable them to be self supporting and independent, so that marrriage is a choice, not a necessity. If girls could earn their own livings, in basic economic parity with men, parents would not see them as “expensive,” suitors would have a much harder time demanding doweries, and the killings would diminish. This is what the Prime Minister needs to be calling for, and working towards.
–Ann Bartow
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